Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. In the middle of opportunity lies me, taking a nap.

   eah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it, so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

   I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before.

   The parking lot at Clown College only has one space.

   “Do you moan or cuss?” Depends on how good the food is, usually both.

   Playing truth of dare and they dare you to go home.

   Tell your friends you love them. Tell them a lot. Make it weird.

   Sleep hits different when you’re not supposed to be sleeping.

   You’re lying if you say you’ve never let a game controller vibrate on your crotch.

   On a date with my crush, trying so hard not to fart.

   “All girls are the same.” Yeah, none of them want you.

   For those who haven't a clue, today's subway shooting did not occur at a sandwich shop.

   Life is fork, I am soup

   Roses are red, violets are blue, wish it didn’t have to be like this, but it do

   Listening to your problems

   So 10-year olds in Florida can't say "gay," but 10-year olds in Tennessee can say "I do"?

   Muffins – for folks who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   Tip of the Day: Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing!

   These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   dotn dirnk and udpate Fistbook statass!