Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To my Atheist friends: Who do you thank now that's Friday?

   She said I was crazy but I talked it over with the Coffee pot and the Tea kettle and they both agreed that she didn't know what she was talking about.

   I used to say that no one could be that stupid. Then I met you. I don't say that anymore.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   OJ has been granted parole. He should put on a hoodie and go buy some Skittles in George Zimmerman's neighborhood.

   I like animals more than people. Mind you I also kill, skin, butcher, and eat animals.

   does anyone else find it ironic that when the royal baby was born the doctor said "it's crowning"

   Doesn't Riley Cooper know that racial slurs are only used to get out of jury duty?

   @AnissaClingman: Wtf? I opened this huge lawnmower box and there is no Mexican in it. I thought they were shipped together. Dammit! Who's gonna push it? : /

   This entire time I thought YOLO was a new frozen yogurt store.

   I stood outside the women's restroom at a restaurant for 40 minutes today reminding ladies to wipe front to back...... Because it takes a village.

   I just used the phrase "dilly dally", so I'm looking into retirement homes now.

   Patience is not a virtue! It's a gift. I am not gifted.

   OJ Simpson was granted parole today, which means he can FINALLY get back to looking for the guy that murdered his wife.

   Just my luck. Switched to e-cigarettes, got e-cancer...

   Riley Cooper said what??? Wait, isn't he Manning's brother??? No, thats Cooopah!

   Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.

   Marijuana is a gateway drug to pizza.vThat's all.

   Taco Tuesday is great and all, but I can't wait for Sloppy Sex Saturday.

   Word Problem: If Scott has 2 bananas for lunch and a dollar seventy nine in change, how likely is it he'll go get an order of onion rings?