Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Short guys are like the fat chicks of men.

   The bad thing about all dogs going to heaven would be all the dog sh*t everywhere.

   Friday are we there yet?

   I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.

   Perfection is for liars and fakes.

   Nickelback to play Boston bombing victim's Concert. In related news, Train to play relief concert for those who saw Nickelback.... (etc.. Bieber)

   I'd like to slip into something more comfortable...you.

   Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A: The Rooster...

   How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.

   If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts",,,,,,,,,,,,,See how stupid that sounds?

   My dog runs for president,,,, gets asked race sensitive question,,, "The thing is, I don't see color"......*crowd goes wild*

   I don't blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers :/

   Monday. What a horrible way to start the week.

   i woke up on the right side of the dirt this morning and for that I am thankful. now as I dont watch the morning news I will stay happy. Happy Monday to all my frienemys

   With friends like Simon Cowell, who needs enemies?

   Dammit! I tried, I really tried, but Monday still found me.

   Instead of an "are you sure you want to delete?" confirmation notice, there should be a "are you sure you want to post this, you frickin idiot?" notice.

   Sometimes you don't get the chance to choose when things happen.

   Here's to the people who hit bongs, not women. Spark bowls, not arguments. Burn bud, not bridges. Save this world...one puff at a time.

   I watch Zombie movies while eating watermelon. Makes me feel like I'm practicing in case I ever become one.