Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re shorter than 4 foot your pronouns are, eeny-meeny-miny-moe.

   Keep your relationship private so you can have two.

   Next week has been exhausting.

   Remember kids, if she has an apple, she has a banana.

   Dat funny right dere

   If you pay $5 a beer at the bar shut yo ass up about gas prices

   I miss when Facebook let us be mean af to eachother

   When she's hot but she can't cook... Ok, Kim DoorDashian.

   ima sucker for deep talks... I wanna know what made you a lying ass bi**h...

   Bank account: $1401.23 Me at the car dealership: where are the f350 platinums

   Stop selling family farms to build cheap spec home subdivisions.

   By the time I have a kid everyone else’s kids gon be 15😭

   Them cicis brownies with the sprinkled cocaine on top so f**king g fire

   My son ain’t gonna have to sneak no hoes in. Bring them bi**ches in son

   don’t invite me to your crib if you got fake oreos. WTF is “Creme Betweens”

   When you both say goodnight & run into each other at the bar 😭

   WELP, ANOTHER DAY I DIDN’T USE a²+b²=c²

   I gotta stay off indeed .. I got a interview at 5:30 to be a pastor

   Johnny Depp could have avoided this entire mess if he had simply issued an Amber alert.

   A Facebook friend posted a photo of her and her sisters. I asked her if it was a Weight Watchers meeting....... Apparently we're no longer friends.