Funny Status Messages

   Chris Rock breaks silence: "I just want to know if the carpet matches the drapes."

   Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

   the problem with two-faced people is that you never sure which face to slap.

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   To stay healthy this April, starting tomorrow I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.

   My only hope for April Fool's Day tomorrow is that Brandon announces this has all been a monumental prank.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   So we don't know what a woman is but we know they get paid less than men.

   If sleep is important, then why does school start so early?

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 300 years.

   I bought some new white speedos yesterday for summer and the automated voice screamed, "unexpected item in bagging area".

   I tried bringing sexy back today at Walmart but the lady assured me I didn't get it there.

   who decided to call it “emotional baggage“ and not “griefcase” ?

   If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

   My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

   michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

   I have a friebd that is both gay and lactose intolerant, I call him the non dairy queen

   Imagine how screwed Chris Rock would have been if all the other guys banging Jada Pinkett rushed the stage too!

   It takes a lot of guts to be an organ donor.

   If Jada has a problem with jokes about alopecia, that's hair loss.