Funny Status Messages
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In the divorce I made sure to take the laptop, because browser history. 
The most productive and efficient thing about me is my liver
Remember when the History channel use to show history stuff? -MTV
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won't be enough.
Of all the people I turn down for sex, I think my husband’s my favorite
When my ex left me I developed an Underground Railroad to sneak into her basement and watch Netflix
My 14 y/o daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's okay to leave her alone with him.
Some people update their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times, and this is the longest eulogy I've ever heard.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
whenever I think that I'm ready to date again, I always just go and get a new tattoo. because there's a lot less drama with the ink than there is with the pink.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban
“Your driving is freaking terrible,” I said to my wife. “Oh come on!” She said, “It’s not that bad.” I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I knew a girl high school who didn't have an oreo until she was 17. I think about this a lot
Most friends these days are so fake ..I'm sure if we turned them around we would find "Made in China" stickers on their asses !!!!
It's time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.
My notifications say i'm being followed by 23 people on here. I wonder how many are Police?
Real men sip that capri sun like its the last one left on earth
Hey squirrel, your tail looks gay 