Funny Status Messages

   Although I can't control time, I will always manipulate it.

   All of my Ex's nicknamed me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

   A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

   A guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane todday... Years of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

   I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.

   things that will never be said #2638: "Boy that Steve Bushemi sure is a good lookin fella"

   Not sure which has gone more viral on facebook. Pics of cats, or cups of cappuccino with hearts drawn in the foam.

   I must be amazing at chatting online; everytime I talk to a girl I leave her speechless.

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   I think the only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of girls,,, and having ALL of them like it.

   FYI:There are only two ingredients in trail mix. . . M&M's,,, and disappointment

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....'I've got nothing man.'

   Ever try to make a mental note but can't find anything to write it on?

   I love when I post a status and someone copy's and pastes its and I get 4 thousand likes and they get two.

   This girl once told me she wanted me to do it doggy style, so I licked her face, crapped on the carpet, and bit her mailman in the ankle.

   You may be my role model, my mentor, my hero or idol but don't you ever expect blind loyalty from me. If you ever screw up or do some dumb sh*t, I am calling you out and holding you accountable.

   Dirty talk? No thanks. I'm not into weird stuff. Now hurry up and put on this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume before I lose my erection.

   Nice try Nicholas Cage, but I'll still watch movies.

   Sorry babe, I just can't justify you going to expensive beauty salons after I just found this guy on Craigslist offering women free facials.

   I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day. Take me to the place I love. Take me all the way.