Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're born looking like your parents, but you'll die looking like your decisions.

   Ever notice that getting "suspended with pay" seems to only happen in government jobs

   we only have 4 months left of this year, and if that doesn't freak you out you're lying

   Getting kicked in the b@lls is more painful for men than having a baby is for women. Proof: When a woman has a baby she says "Ooo I want to have another baby!" When a man gets kicked in the b@lls, he never wants that again. So having a baby is not as bad.

   Dihydrogen Monoxide Containment Unit. Warning: May cause diaphoresis micturition and acute tissue hydration.

   Being alive is so expensive.

   “You’re beautiful the way you are, ladies. Just kidding, you need to buy this stuff.” – commercials

   So let me get this straight, when I put a guy’s flesh in my mouth at church it’s “communion” but when I do it at a truck stop its a sin

   "We have to get together sometime!" is a just another way of saying, "I regret running into you."

   Michelangelo seems like a genius until you realize he spent hours of his life carving a dude's pubes out of marble.

   Chris Brown said he might retire from music. That sure is going to leave him with a lot of time on his fists.

   I'm eating a McGriddle in the McDonalds ball pit telling kids facts about Benghazi. the manager is spraying me with a hose but I won't leave.

   Girls get so mad when you point out that their stupid friends are stupid.

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.

   Went fishing before the strip club, first time I've smelled like fish before the club...

   Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...

   Recent studies suggest that people are more cynical these day than ever before. Like I'm supposed to believe that.

   Does Stephen Hawking think that automated calls are making fun of him?

   Great music lives on in perpetuity to those who seek it.

   Apple is now making incontinence products for the aging American consumer... iPEED will be on your store shelves soon.