Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity

   I never said she was a prostitute, all I said was she used her panties as ankle warmers!

   A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. What an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot!

   I prefer products that say virgin on it, like extra virgin olive oil, cause I don't want to buy a slutty oil made from slut olives.

   I'll bet Rosa Parks kicked ass at Musical Chairs.

   Just visited Facebook backstage. Great atmosphere: everyone rehearsing jokes, cooking up a storm, editing cat videos, and training for next week's arguments.

   Ya know, I think Mummies get a bad Wrap.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flinstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard

   I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

   My dad used to beat me with a camera and I have pictures to prove it.

   Pretty cool how I lock my phone like I won't check it in a minute.

   I suffer from amnesia and dejavu...I think I have forgotten this before...

   My teeth are so white, they had slaves in the 1800s.

   If Nike made condoms, would their advertizing slogan be "Just do her."?

   Convicted Amy private Bradley Manning wants to live the rest of his life as a woman. At 5'2" and sporting that purdy little mouth, I doubt he's going to have a hard time being a woman while he's behind bars.

   It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...

   When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver

   Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

   Some females have more drama than a van full of drag queens on their way to a wig sale.