Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Better and more accurate than any dating site: Ask her if she's on Will Smith or Chris Rock's side. If she says Will Smith, run away as fast as you can.

   My uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

   If I choke to death on gummy bears I hope people will just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   Saw an ad for burial plots and thought this is the last thing I need.

   I'll never own a German Shepherd dog. Have you ever noticed how many of their owners go blind?

   Whoever said, “you can’t make this stuff up” obviously never worked at the Biden White House.

   We used to be young and carefree, and now we have a favorite cashier at the grocery store.

   Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

   Another Monday. Aw, man. I don't know if I can do this. (Just practicing.)

   How to save money on snacks at a theater: Have the self-discipline to sit still for an hour and a half without eating.

   I hate it when women paint a bunch of FAKE on their face, just to look more unattractive than before.

   It is time to stop accepting the things we cannot change and start changing the things we cannot accept.

   Why is our party trying to enforce child marriages? I'm all in for owning the other side, but not like this.

   The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 15 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

   I Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.

   Every time I almost think humanity is going to be okay, I catch a glimpse of Amazon reviews...

   Not a cloud in the sky. It's a dry hump day.

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho. It's off to work I go. I'll make some shills to pay my bills, Heigh-ho Heigh-ho.

   Although he was not a biologist, Roy Orbison was still able to write "Pretty Woman."

   “The cemetery is full of people who thought they could change themselves tomorrow.”