Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

   i will never buy a foam finger again !

   After seeing Miley Cyrus' raunchy VMA performance last night, I don't feel so bad about perving on her leaked p0rn0.

   maybe Disney should start having there girls sign contracts before making them famous. Like, "I Promise I will not be America's next pop wh*re if I get this part..."

   While outside jogging nothing will help you burn even more calories than getting hit by the runs... I think I just broke bolts track record!

   I accidently switched my TV to the Aljezeera station and now there's a helicopter over my house...

   I wonder what Billy Ray Cyrus thinks about his achy breakie slut. . .

   Breaking News: Miley Cyrus to star in prn movie called "Hannah Does Montana"

   There is a price to pay for my happiness..its called alcohol.

   How many of these cats do I have to glue together before I have a tiger?

   Things I wish I could unsee: 1. Miley Cyrus twerking 2. Miley Cyrus riding that foam finger 3. Miley Cyrus

   Cats know. I don’t know what it is they know, but they know it and they’ve known it for a while. They know.

   Dear Miley, there were at least 4 things missing from your VMA performance - Talent, Dignity, Grace and Self Respect.

   Her: Why do you love me? Him: because you have sex with me. Her: You could have sex with other girls, too. Him: I can?? Sweet!! Her: That’s not what I meant. Him: OK…then, I love you.

   Jesus saves. He shoots. He scores!! (watching Mexican soccer.)

   If a guy blogs for any reason other than getting snatch, he probably doesn't like snatch...

   I'm passed out drunk on the side of the road to success.

   When a woman smiles for no reason, I assume she just had that good sex, has good meds or is deciding what to do with my body.

   After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a pop singer.

   The problem with us guys, is that we'd rather go for the hot chick rather than the cool one...