Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   long range weather forcast for Damascus, Steel rains gonna fall

   My Syria plan: Give weapons to both sides. Let them annihilate each other. Smoke a cigar with Benjamin Netanyahu....

   "We're so in Love." - People that I hope get hit by a bus.

   Anyone knows how taco shells make it through days on a shelf of a warehouse without breaking, but as soon as it ends up on my plate with some meat in it, it falls apart into pieces? (-__-)

   Labor Day weekend: Three fun-filled days followed by progressively worsening weather and darkness at 3:30pm.

   If you don't want me to bring party hats and confetti, don't include the word 'party' in "Search Party."

   If the U.S. decides to strike Syria because they used chemical weapons on their own people, I suggest we launch a few Patriot missles on Monsanto for doing the same thing to us.

   My wife says I treat her like a child. ha kids these days

   Does the 5 Second Rule apply to bass drops?

   My tupperware order has shipped,, and in 2-3 business days I finally won't have to contain my excitement.............WAIT !,, Or will I?

   So the cop was like 'say the alphabet backwards',, So I said 'the alphabet backwards',, Then we laughed and laughed............ Send bail money

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense

   When religious people judge you for not being religious. Pretty sure your religion says your not supposed to judge other people. Talk about being hypocritical.

   I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I need it to make sure I don't have a bad time...

   Looks like someone thought it would be a good idea to let the jester rule the kingdom again.

   I am pretty pissed that the NSA is monitoring 75% of our Internet traffic, and yet still hasnt responded to my invitation to Candy Crush.

   Little brothers XBOX broke. Go to new one. Worthless Walmart employee was too lazy to find one. Tells me they are all out. So I stand in front of her and buy it online with in store pickup so she has to find it. BAM

   Congratulations to Michael Jackson on 4 years of sobriety!

   If the person is more than 25 feet away from you, holding the door is creepy.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s as$ would look better in those shorts.