Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

   "safe days" is a ploy by women to trap men with pregnancies. everyone knows women cant do maths

   Liverpool top of the league. Russia and US on a war footing. New Paul McCartney single. What is this, 1989?

   Although the U.S. attack on Syria sounds like good news, we can't be fooled by it. When did the U.S. attack a country just to free it?

   For any fool complaining against foreign intervention in Syria, it's a bit too late. Iran and "Hezbollah" have been in Syria since the beginning of this conflict.

   What you feed your mind determines your appetite.

   hoping no kids wish me a happy father's day today.

   My girlfriend fell out of the bed naked last night...Does the 5 second rule still apply?

   Don't let your enemy use your energy against you.

   A man’s best friend: Guy who drinks with him. A woman’s best friend: Woman she hates when she leaves the room.

   I'm not saying my eyesight is getting worse but yesterday in the car I spent 15minutes letting an echidna cross the road......then I realized it was a pine cone!

   Having just watched Kim Kardashian in Tyler Perry’s Temptations, I have come to the conclusion that her sex tape is the closest she should have been allowed to acting. Damn you Tyler Perry.

   thats what I like the most about you..the way you constantly enter and exit my life..

   It seems like everyone is in a relationship or in love and I'm just here like, “I like that tree. That's a nice tree.”

   Redneck word of the day: MORON. Usage: "Hey ma, Miley has moron her plate than me!"

   So let me ask you guys... I don't hear anything about Farmville these days. Did you guys sellout to Monsanto?

   That one ex you don't want the world to know you dated.

   When will one of our Allies step in and help us out ? Obama has done more damage here than any weapon of mass destruction ever could have !!

   It's funny how many streets are named for the kind of trees chopped down to pave them.

   Okay so you wake up to a naked Mickey Rourke in your bed....what mixture or drugs and alcohol do you take to kill yourself?