Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crazy alert: I just read that some girls are buying positive pregnancy tests on Craiglist to pressure their boyfriends into popping the question. If your girlfriend does this, leave her immediately!

   I got a sixth degree black belt in I don't give a f**k. . .

   still wonders why my friends in high school all had those plastic film containers and no one owned a camera?

   “Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.”

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.

   Sorry I spilled your bottle of wine,,, all down my throat.

   If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.

   Wondering what it's like to have a kid? Take a goat to the store. That's like having a 5 yr old. Now get the goat drunk. That's a 2 yr old.

   I live by the ocean. The west coast, to be more Pacific.

   If you say "Reddddddd Robin" Siri says "Yum!"

   I live in a town named Ripley... believe it or not.

   there an STD named 'Miley Virus' yet?

   To me "just kidding" means I'm joking but I'm kinda serious.

   Has this become a current affairs f0rum? I miss the good jokes.

   I just saved hours of small talk by switching to fat hoes.

   Today is going to be a non-labor day

   To all of you expecting Mothers.....happy Labor Day.....

   Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so..... Now help me load this drum kit.

   Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

   Whenever I see an old couple holding hands, lost in eachother's eyes, I feel good, because I bet I could totally take them both if I had to.