GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Santa, you break into people's houses and eat their cookies; don't judge me.

   The holiday season is here. Remember to set your scales back 10lbs at midnight.

   Every year, my Christmas list begins with "Dear Santa, my sisters did it. But I have been very good this year, because I'm an angel!

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I want a fat bank account and a slim body with sexy abs, but let's not get it mixed up like you did last year.

   I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   To save time, let's just assume I'm never wrong.

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!

   Dear Santa: Either you give me what I want for Christmas or I'll turn Rudolph and Comet into a piece of deer jerky. Make it happen, fat man!

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party.

   Christmas is truly a magical time. It's made all my money disappear!

   ATTENTION EVERYONE: I have an announcement to make. Santa just confirmed that I have been very good this year!

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   Marriage tip: The first thing you need to ask your wife to do after an eleven-hour work day is give you a serious back rub. Explain to her that playing Xbox all day long really takes a toll on your muscles!

   Marriage tip #12: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   Marriage tip #8: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.