Funny Status Messages
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Apparently Ariel Castro recently changed his Facebook status to 'Swinger' and now he wont return my phone calls! 
If you want the most accurate, real-time weather reports, look out your damn window.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing Call of Duty, he doesn't love you. He just died on the game.
Dear sluts, This might come as a surprise to you, but your boobs go inside your shirt. Just kidding, show me your tiitties
would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
My crash diet just crashed face first into a bacon double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.
Dear Canada, you can stop emailing me. We have pharmacies here, too...
What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of sperm and makes women scream? The sock under my bed.
Building credibility on Facebook is like having sex with a blow up doll and telling people you get laid all the time!
I call my pen*s 'caution' because when I throw caution to the wind at least it gets blown.
Called the service provider turns out everything is okay, and you did get my texts, so I'm outside your window watching you read this...
A strip club inside Starbucks - Starbutts.
God has send us all in pairs…someone…somewhere is made for u…so wait for the right time n right moment.
BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro's neck.
Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs..
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
John McCain's next campaign should be sponsored by Full Tilt Poker.
every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough
if a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
TODAY I went in to have that all important "Special" check up that all men of a certain age should have, which leads me to this question; is it normal for a proctologist to have a tip jar on the examination table? 