Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   £800 pound for a coffin lid? Over my dead body

   I'm thinking the Who should change their name to the Two. Just sayin!

   I don't text you, Beer and Vodka does!

   Tuesday is the Jan Brady of the days of the week.

   Balloons are weird... "Happy Birthday! Here is a plastic sack of my breath."

   If the camera adds ten pounds, why does Rush Limbaugh use 10 cameras?

   You don't know pain until you've caught your pénis in your zipper.

   My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.

   If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then of course,, you're a witch.

   LISTEN,,, Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

   Attention: Person who used this porta potty before me, See your doctor soon.. Real soon.. Yesterday soon.... PLEASE

   Well,,,, If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," Then yes, I've been to the opera.

   I hate it when my sock puppets fight... Cuz I don't have a free hand to break them up.

   Lord, it's me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?

   Really smart Jehovah witnesses follow the FedEx Truck and pizza delivery man on Saturdays.

   Never mix Vi@gra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.

   If Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus were both drowning at the same time.....what kind of sandwich would you make

   Thank God Zimmerman's wife and father-in-law weren't wearing a Hoodie and didn't have any Skittles on them!

   Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you're job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.