Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life so don't be that person that uses stupid cliche's. That's what I'm sayin! You know what I mean??

   It's weird how you can listen to a song, and it brings you back to a time and place you want to forget. Yet you miss it at the same time.

   10 year old girls are crying because they broke up with their boyfriend. When I was 10 I cried because I missed the morning cartoons.

   There are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes.

   Instead of Bruno Mars performing at the Super bowl it should be Mick Mars and Motley Crue.

   A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm delicious"

   Official Football helmet on Captain Video!

   If you're not spanking her ass on a regular basis, YOU SIR ARE DOING IT WRONG!

   A young boy comes home from school one day and says, "Mommy! What's a lesbian?" She replied, "Ask your father when she gets home!"

   You know you have given up on life when you decide to get married.

   Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone's throat.

   Every maternity ward is just a Facebook wall post factory.

   I don't drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you

   Do you ever take two steps into a food court and think: "We are seriously overdue for a plague"?

   I want a lady that likes jokes in the streets and chokes in the sheets

   Taylor Swift seems like the kinda girl who would put her stuffed animals in another room when she has sex.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   I wish there was a "roll my eyes" button on Facebook.

   I wished I loved anything as much as white folks love saying "gracias" in Mexican restaurants.

   How to spot single girls: If you hit on her and a man beats you, she has a boyfriend. If you hit her and she pepper sprays you, she's single.