Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never get your panties in a bunch... The good quality ones are sold individually.

   I've got the body of a 21 year old,, but I have to give it back cuz I'm getting it wrinkled

   I'm trying to think of a really good Miley Cyrus joke but it's not twearking

   Whew, that salad filled me up-said no real man EVER

   Wow, Lil Wayne's now on Paris Hilton's new song. Those tear drop tattoos should be real tears, Weezy.

   I'm more comfortable with animals than humans. Animals understand love clearly. Love a human and they misconstrue it a thousand ways.

   I wanna open a store where you can touch expensive things you'll never afford and call it "Feel Free".

   Give a man a fish, he will eat. Give a man religion, he will serve praying for a fish to eat.

   I don't hate you, but I hope you want an iPhone for christmas and you get the 5c.

   My girlfriend told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. I'm planning on wearing it on Friday.

   Clapping is just your right hand beating the sh*t out of your left hand to show that you appreciated something.

   Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away

   You can't be poor and ugly. Choose one struggle.

   I'm not just handsome. I'm Photoshop handsome.

   Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.

   If you get a call from a telemarketer, hand the phone to a three-year-old and tell him it's Santa Claus.

   “Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?

   Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!

   Mess with telemarketers! Some aren't allowed to hang up, so answer the call, take a shower, have a snack, then say "no thanks."