Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To err is human. To arr is pirate.

   You bought an iPhone5C? Why no iPhone5A?

   Apple announced a new iPhone that doesn't work even better than the last iPhone didn't work!

   Bo Jackson takes 5 hour energy?? Well, let me rush out and buy some even tho it tastes like horse pee...

   There's a difference between kissing ass and ass kissing. One gets you ahead in life the other gets you nowhere.

   If you can't handle Batman at his Ben Affleck then you don't deserve him at his Christian Bale.

   If the U.S. were worried about Assad killing people it would've intervened along time ago. The chemical weapons put Israel under a threat.

   Cancer is the Syria of diseases.

   i don't know how to work the panoramic options on my phone so I'm not gonna be able to send all you wanted to see in one picture..sorry

   I wish more people were fluent in silence.

   People that say "money doesn't buy happiness" obviously have never been divorced.

   saying Cray Cray makes me want to stab you in the fay fay.

   Dentist: "If it hurts, just imagine yourself on tropical isle lying under a palm tree." Dentist: "Does that help?" Me: "Yeah, except every 2 seconds a coconut falls and hits me in the mouth."

   I play hopscotch all the time! I also play hopvodka, hoprum, and hoptequila.

   education should be free for those willing to learn

   We’re all photogenic on the millionth try!

   In my opinion, my opinion is so much better than your opinion!

   One man’s trash is another man’s daughter.

   My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

   The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.