Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce

   you know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed

   Tip of the day # Never accept an invitation to go hunting with cannibals. You may be Plan B.

   Looks like someone spent more time at the gym than in English class...

   This McDonalds sandwich is delicious, and my heart will be thanking me in the future, when it gets to quit working early.

   Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight

   Oh I'm sorry, does my repeat check ins at the gym remind you of how lazy you are?

   i think this world wide web thing has ran is course!

   I'm so glad I just downloaded my iDon'tcare7, at least now I can't be disappointed like all the apple users.

   I just spilled some water on my bed...boom, waterbed.

   I'm so sick of this nonsense, where my blankets hang off of my bed like a messy sandwich.

   After 6,000 selfies you'd think we get it, you think you're hot.

   What is Soy Milk is just regular milk introducing himself in Spanish?

   Have you ever turned off your alarm and gone back to sleep for just a few more minutes but end up waking up 48951 centuries later

   This banana tastes like I cant afford a pizza

   Does this 'I Beat Anorexia' T-Shirt make me look fat?

   There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce :(

   It's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

   How does Ice T order an iced tea without sounding like a douche?

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.