Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   Just heard some of Drakes new album..& damn it got to me..let me go call my ex from 1st grade I miss the way we use to colour together.

   I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!

   A string of stars tattooed on your chest is a great way to let everyone know you're a 22 year old single mother of 4 kids.

   Give your child a chance. Not a mohawk.

   So, Dexter is really The Brawny Man?!? Gee thanks, Showtime....

   I'm pleased to say that I just used some germ-X and got rid of 99.9% of germs on both my hands and probably got them back while typing this

   Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   My stomach is so torn up I'm playing Russian Roulette when I fart.

   "Hey David... Do you talk to your girlfriend while you are having sex? "Only if there's a phone handy"

   When I was a kid I prayed for a skateboard, then I realized God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness

   Call me a romantic, but I like my women how like my stool: loose and corny.

   Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I'll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags

   K-mart is starting their Halloween sale. They have a lovely selection of Christmas trees.

   Happy first day of fall! ¡ƃuıɹds ɟo ʎɐp ʇsɹıɟ ʎddɐH

   Two blondes stopped their car to let a funeral pass by..The first blonde asked, "Who died?".The second replied, "I think it is the person in the casket.".

   Have you heard about the blind hooker?.....You've gotta hand it to her!

   Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed his head off.

   Wife wanted to see my posts... We laughed and laughed... I made a run for it, and I got 2 blocks... Running is hard.

   I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.