Funny Status Messages
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Ladies stop worrying about the quickest way to a mans heart and just give him a blow job already. 
If you use any of these terms, "Hi, Guy"-"My Hubby/Wifey" or "Veggies"...go fark yourself.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets, outstanding child support payments. But mostly loving too much.
People who say the worst feeling is not knowing whether to wait or move on have clearly never taken a sh*t only to realize there's no toilet paper.
A real girlfriend loves & understands you, cares for you, accuses you of things you didn't do & tells you who you should be friends with.
100% of the people who got to apply algebra in their lives are now algebra teachers.
Statistics show that 50% of people get tattoes solely for the purpose of diverting attention from their ugliness.
You. Me. Handcuffs. Whipped Cream. NOW!
I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.
What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!
Will Obamacare cover my coffee expenses since it is a medical necessity?
If this picture of me running a red light is going to cost me $350, they coulda added a dragon and put it in a pirate ship frame.
Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Cartwheels?...... In this economy?
whatever you say there's bound to be someone who gets offended
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore ppornographyy.
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Tony Abbott as self appointed Minister for Women's Affairs? “I felt a great disturbance in the Force; as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced”. 