Funny Status Messages

   When you're ugly and you hear attractive people call themselves ugly and your self esteem goes down by 14564%

   How did the tooth cross the river? It took the "tooth ferry"......... Thanks, I'll be here all week

   Burned a clock today... Actually ended up inhaling a lot of "secondhand" smoke.

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.

   *at my 8th grade spelling bee*.. "spell ABANDON".... ABANDON,, D-A-D,,, *judge starts sobbing into mic then slams the bell*

   Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.

   I don't Obamaknow and I don't Obamacare......

   Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.

   i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me

   The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...

   If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"

   I'm a keeper...of bees.

   To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.

   Today I just want to cry while stabbing things.

   I have been going to the gym for 6 years now, still never gone in.

   Everybody's talking about IOS 7..What is it?.. I Still Own windows 7

   Just a matter of time till they have an iPhone that recognizes us by our blood alcohol level.

   Let's just ignore each other and see where this takes us.

   Calm down white girl, you don't possess the proper rhythm to be twerking.