Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh you want to see my phone? Add that in the prenup first.

   I'm not saying your p osts aren't hilarious. I'm just saying that I've seen most of them on little wooden signs hanging in my moms bathroom.

   I can still use my welfare $ to upgrade to the new iPhone and put gas in my Lexus, right??

   Nothing is more disturbing than going into a public restroom and sitting on a warm toilet seat.

   Maybe......Obama can put his government shutdown barricades up in federal waters and block Tropical Storm Karen!?!?

   Serious question: Are doctors SURE erectile dysfunction isn't just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?

   I wouldn't take a bullet for someone because taking something that's not yours is called stealing and that just ain't me son.

   I'm thinking the woman with 4 kids on leashes at Walmart should probably stop buying her condoms at Walmart.

   If drunk me doesn’t like you, then sober me has seriously thought about murdering you at some point.

   If the lesson outweighs the regret: it was worth it.

   Every woman has a psycho gene inside her. It just takes the right mix of alcohol and man to bring it out.

   Remember: It isn't murder unless they find a body. Up until then it is only a missing person.

   Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.

   God put a woman in the bible and sheruined the whole book in the first chapter

   I was wondering why my pants felt so comfortable till I realized they were still in the drawer.

   Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

   Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.

   Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.

   I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

   hroughout the shutdown if you need someone to ignore your basic needs while taking a sizable percentage of your earnings, I’m here for you.