Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just watched a documentary on LSD and in my opinion that is the best way to watch a documenatry

   I just spent our "Halloween Candy" money on a couple of cases of Samuel Adams OctoberFest beer. I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some of the Sweet'N Low packets and Bounce Fabric Softener sheets that they are getting this year.

   Dont forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that dont work as hard as you...

   Lawyer: (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.

   the government is like my computer....there might just be a problem when it shuts down

   if your neighbors call the police on you for playing loud music, just tell the cop "you can dance if you want to or you can leave your friend behind..."

   Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably.

   Stared off into space after lunch and accidentally graduated from University of Phoenix with another degree : (

   the lucky is the only cigarette in the pacK that I get drunk and light backwards

   With all this government shutdown, Rage Against The Machine should reunite. Plenty of new material.

   Any one just watched the Boss metaphor the Prez just use? You cant ask your Boss for a raise, and when he doesnt give it to you....you shut down the PLant!...I tried that and got arrested right there at Mcdonalds!

   It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.

   I've never been in relationships. I prefer to call them 'momentary lapses in judgement'.

   Dear ladies, We love when you play with our balls and not our minds.

   If you shake it more than twice you're advertising.

   Don't judge my Playboy subscription, You "Fifty Shades of Grey" reading Harlots!

   Yes, I said I love you, but I meant it in the drunk kind of way.

   Relationship status: I drink to tolerate you.

   If I don't hear from you at least every 2 hours, I will assume you hate me and the feeling shall be mutual. I can't control my crazy.

   Love you unconditionally? Hmmm, no I have some conditions.