Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day I would like to turn on the news and hear, “There is Peace on Earth.”

   I make 6 figures, but the zeroes are in the front.

   Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. Probably should have warned her about the new electric fence.

   Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

   Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue? Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

   My new ring tone is a woman faintly screaming ‘Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.

   getting married and then Divorced is like a Casino.... ..you go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   Welp, I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   Reached that age where everything I think happened 4-5 years ago really happened in 2003.

   Every time I drink flax-milk I remember my college roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink "more milk per milk"

   The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

   April Fool’s Day was suspended this year due to all the unbelievable crap going on in the world right now.

   That look your boss gives you when you request April 20th off.

   Mercury is in reverse cowgirl again.

   When you’re about to spend half a grand shopping online, but then you notice that $15.00 shipping charge…. Not Today!

   Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.

   If your food blog requires me to read more than two sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.

   They’re raising your taxes because they gave all your money away.

   Elon showed the world that Twitter is not a business. It is a fraudulent front for mass information control.