Funny Status Messages

   Maybe if you really love them you won't put them to the ultimate test of seeing just how much of your bullsh*t they can actually put up with

   Don't be that guy who all the women keep running away from on the dance floor.

   Fish are always making that “I want to suck a d*ck” face.

   I would beat the sh*t out of the kid who plays Joffrey in Game of thrones. I don’t care if it’s just acting.

   Loving someone who doesn’t love you back isn’t as bad as trying to eat something immediately after brushing your teeth.

   The government shut down? And no one even noticed...

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...

   Why can't we just let the government employees go back to work and furlough Congress?

   Jerry jones was seen giving Tony Romo the heinlick maneuver in the lock room after the game Sunday

   Let's declare the U.S.-Mexico border a National Park. That way, it will be closed.

   Posting pictures of a huge supply of hard liquor isn't going to impress anyone but your toxicologist.

   Boys Laugh at what they put Girls through but they wont be laughing when they are wiping tears off their Daughters face for the same reason.

   I just saw one of my friends on Facebook post a status like. MY DAUGHTER MUST BE SO POPULAR I HEAR PHONE VIBRATING ALL NIGHT.. A okkkk its not a phoneee

   If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"

   So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

   My boss is asking me to turn my reports in on time..... *like I DON'T write crappy jokes online for no pay lol*

   Tony Romo is the type of person to make a perfect cake and then drop it on the way to the table....

   Sometimes I think I got away with all the alcohol I've drank...but then I drool mid thought and realize...nope.

   I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. Some lucky lady is in for a treat tonight.

   maybe the Giants should sign Charlie Sheen so he can teach him how to start "winning"