Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My old Chemistry teacher once told me to write a thousand word Essay on LSD......I never finished as after 5 minutes my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

   Being honest may not get you alot of friends but it does get you the right ones...

   Get married they said, it will be a blessing they said, wives are psychos they never said.

   I just saw a donkey use the zebra crossing to cross the road. What a smart ass!

   ♫ Old Macdonald abused his sheep, R.S.P.C.A ♫

   Relationship Status: Cutting your brake lines.

   If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back, start dating her best friend.

   Ladies: Next time you shake a man's hand just remember you're really shaking his d*ck's best friend.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, send them all their stuff they left at your place.

   just wrote down all the cars I ever owned ........Now I have a bucket list

   If I had to describe myself in 3 words... I don't know.

   I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I'm gay. Send glitter.

   It's 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?

   Ladies Does your man tune you out? Tell him you're a week late, he'll listen to everything you have to say.

   Ladies, if you've been called a c*nt by 3 or more people, you're a c*nt...

   Ok peeps, I had a chat with Zuckerberg and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome.

   I'm having a bad day. Screw you → you ↑ you ↗ you ↓ oh, and you ↘.

   They told me at work I was selected for a random drug test. I said "Oh Boy! Which ones to I get to test?!" Not smart. Not smart at all.

   Those who don't know me think I'm on drugs. Those who do think I should be.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.