Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care how expensive your hair is, just don't get mad when I pull it off when were having sex

   Life stopped handing us lemons and started giving us reasons to drink instead

   Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn't work...

   I'm dumb. I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.

   No matter how loud the game is on downstairs, a man always hears the sound of a bra hitting the floor upstairs.

   I suggested to a girl who listed her relationship as "It's Complicated", to allow me come over and add to the complication.

   Plain girls want to save dogs. Hot girls want to save wolves.

   I give ulcers,... I don't get them

   Just drank a 'coffee to go' while sitting. Screw the system!

   79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless

   Happy birthday to the microwave oven. As The very first domestic model was introduced 58 years ago today, by the Tappan stove company in Mansfield, Ohio.Formally known as Tappan @ss LLC.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /

   We need naked bitstrip cartoon people if this is going to work. Just my opinion.

   Bitstrip has taught me one thing.... My friends are entirely incapable of being funny.... even in cartoons.

   Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip

   Every morning I try something new, but only because the coffee barista cannot get my order right.

   Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.

   Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?

   I wish I had half the respiratory health and vitality that my dog does. She smells everyone's a$$ and still never catches a cold.