Funny Status Messages

   A CIVIL war is where people are nice and polite to each other “Excuse me kind sir, would you mind having your head chopped off?”

   I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

   To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.

   Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?

   Join the rev al sharpton and boycott Barney's

   I still stand by my "always judge a man by his neck tattoos" theory.

   It's so cold out that politicians have their hands in their own pockets for a change!

   If you want guys to get involved in causes, give them some motivation.... "This year's united way 5k includes a BJ from a stripper"

   Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.

   BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.

   My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

   The gotye concert was amazing. kept playing "Somebody That I Used To Know" over & over. Easy to go to the bathroom, concessions.. Would recommend

   Facebook is the perfect tool for keeping in touch with people that you lost touch with for very good reasons.

   Rejected Yankee Candle Scents: • Taco • Halibut with Lime • Garden Croc • Macy's credit card • Carbon credits

   Be thankful for who you are, because there might be someone out there who wishes to be you.

   I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ

   I like to hold my wifes head under the covers and loudly exclaim"Release The Kraken".....then loudly fart

   The difference between bison and buffalo is simple... The ones that have useless little wings are buffalo.

   Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.

   Sea salt is healthier only because it gets stuck in the holes of the shaker and you can't actually put it on your food.