Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible

   A Relationship is like poker, if you don't have a partner you better have a good hand.

   I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I die on Friday.

   Sometimes we've gotta, nod, agree and giggle. (in that exact order)

   The most pathetic thing I read in the news today is that: The Jonas Brothers Break Up. That's F - N funny, Umm they're brothers. . .

   Ralph Macchio is 50. Pat Morita was 52 when the Karate Kid opened,,,,fact check next time!

   Tempus fugit: The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) is the exact same age today as Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) was the day Karate Kid opened in theaters.

   On This day in 1918 Transylvania unites with Romania. Locals stay up all night to celebrate. Then return to their coffins just before dawn

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends…it's not rocket science. Unless they're going to the moon, then it IS rocket science!

   I've been looking for an inventive way to get rid of all the worthless telephone books that get dumped at my door step every year so....."Trick Or Treat" kiddos!!!

   No use in complaining about life, you were the fastest sperm, this is your reward. . .

   Any teenager who is anxious to run his or her own life is obviously too young to do it.

   "Eyes" and you don't have to use a giraffe picture!

   Facebook went from the Cartoon network to the New Zoo review

   What if I'm awake? The answer might be outside the "door".

   The Red sox need "Just for men" for their beards!

   Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.

   I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...

   A costume and matching shoes later, my child owes me about $50 worth of candy..

   Ok word of advice ladies. a muffin top might be kinda cute but if you have a 3 tier cake top please don't go out side. you scare people. just sayin.