GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Wondering how can I get my wife the perfect Valentines gift when she already has me.

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   Marriage tip 101: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   So if the groundhog is too fat to see his shadow, do we get six weeks of jelly doughnuts?

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Ok Jack Frost! You need to quit playing freeze tag with Elsa and Subzero from Mortal Kombat. Because you all keep missing each other, and it is starting to affect the rest of us.

   It's so cold out that you can milk a cow and get instant ice cream.

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   Marriage tip: Make sure your wife always accommodates to your needs. "Honey, when you finish using the bathroom, you need to put the toilet seat back up".

   NO! I didn't fall on the floor! I attacked it with my wicked ninja skills! Aren't you jealous?

   Marriage tip 101: It is very important that your wife understands Commandment Number 1 in regards to marriage: "Thou shalt not nag". As soon as she understands this, she will grow in her duties and responsibilities as a wife.

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!

   No matter how old you may be, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to use to bonk someone over the head with.

   I am the reason why Santa has a naughty list.

   I wonder how was God able to find some wise men when most of us men don't even know how to stop and ask for directions when we're lost?

   Dear Santa, I was good at being NAUGHTY. Does that count for anything?

   Let me get this straight; a fat man who breaks and enters into my home, who steals all my Christmas cookies, is the one who judges if I'm naughty or nice?

   Due to the extreme coal shortage, Santa will be giving out Justin Bieber cds to all the bad kids this year.

   I wish Santa would just dump 100ft of coal around Biden and Nancy Pelosi's house.