Funny Status Messages
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Some of the happiest years of a woman's life are when she's 29. 
I may not have grown old gracefully, but having a woman who still loves me has helped me to grow old gratefully.
People are always worrying about getting gray hair. But actuall gray hair is pretty cool. Just ask any guy that's bald.
I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do
Golden words by a wise man:"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
When Jennifer Aniston cuts her hair, it makes headlines on CNN. When I cut my hair, my wife tells me to stop trimming my balls over the sink
I'm beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen..
Just like all relationships, the people that I have been FB friends with the longest get on my nerves the most.
I hate when i'm shopping at the grocery store and realize the shopping cart I've been pushing across the aisle isn't mine and I don't have a blonde haired blue-eyed baby....
"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers." - new york's most hated cab driver
The only thing more pussified than a joint FB account is renewing your wedding vows...
Every time a couple gets married, two single people stop existing.
I accidently grabbed the wrong shopping cart at Walmart and I'm hoping this kid stops crying because I am not going to raise a crybaby!
If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food
If a room is spinning, it doesn't mean the world revolves around you... you may have just had too much to drink....
Im a veteran, not a veternarian...... I dont speak parrot!
TV commercials always portray white guys as dorks but we own 99% of America so I guess we're even...
The next person that asks me if ex Salvation Army employees count, gets punched in the throat. Unbelievable
Affordable Care Act "aka Obamacare"...........Affordable but ONLY if you make 10k + a month!! 