Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like a good neighbor.... Drive by & wave. Do NOT stop to talk.

   The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.

   Why aren't there more rap songs about being well mannered and generously tipping your waiter?

   BREAKING NEWS!! Whitney Houston drug free for almost 2yrs.

   A couple of my neighbors still occassionally say Hello to me. Apparently I'm doing something wrong

   Chivalry isn't dead, but it did take an elbow to the ribs when I tried opening the door for that butch looking chick.

   Instead of exchanging gifts at work for Christmas I wish we could exchange families.

   Don't underestimate my ability to relate everything to food or sex.

   Before you forward me a funny joke or pic, assume I authored it.

   Siri, take the wheel.

   I'm so hungry I could eat a whole bottle of whiskey

   Thanksgiving may be the only time some people in California see real breasts

   ☑-Single ☐-Taken ☑- Available for rebound Sex.

   Wait what about Niki Minaj in the 2000's....okay nevermind

   You knowlife sucks when you can hear the girl you love moaning in the room next door where your bestfriend is...

   Pinocchio just gave a speech...

   It's Saturday night, which means I am higher than the national debt.

   Some of you people could use water mixed with a little whiskey and some electricals.. Just sayin

   I am about to boil some water that I want to freeze later......does anyone happen to know what temperatures I should use to do this????

   I've decided I no longer want to be an adult....if you need me I will be in my blanket fort with my coloring book, etch-a-sketch, lite brite, speak-n-spell, and my sit-n-spin. Best. Toys. Ever. This is gonna be off the hook!