Funny Status Messages
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I just invented a new game in the office called “I can guess what your new year resolution will be” but fat people don’t want to play :( 
One thing awesome about my childhood was being able to play with a 'toy' gun without the authorities getting involved.
The Duck Dynasty guys better hope nobody tells PETA or the Gun Control lobby that they're gun living duck killers.
I can't believe it's already been a whole year since the world ended.. :(
There are two things that prove the American school system has failed: 1) A need for SpellCheck/AutoCorrect. 2) Cash registers that tell the user how much change to make out of a dollar.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
The motto for the day is....Stupid people should not be allowed to reproduce!!!!!
Pffft. The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas as if he wasn't going to see me 14 more times before then...
I always know what my childhood friends are doing these days, thanks to the user-friendly county mugshot database.
How can the largest group seeking tolerance be the most intolerant.............?
I can't believe that it's almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
"If Jesus had a gun, he would be alive today" - Homer Simpson
There iis both a freedom of speech and freedom of silence......a wise person knows when to use both.
A guy that's inbred and makes a living helping people trick ducks into landing for sex, is going to tell his opinion about wrong sex... Shove that down your throats!
Santa Clause said to support gays. Now what am I gonna do? My two favorite omni-present imaginary dieties are contradicting eachother!
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone's front porch.
R.I.P to my normal sleeping pattern during this festive season.
Phil Robertson should totally hook up with Paula Deen. 2 Evils come together
I fall easier naked! Why can't the flight attendant understand that?
Santa is a Republican 1. He sits on his butt all year long. 2. He has other people do all the hard work. 3. He then takes credit for giving away all the free stuff they made. 