Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.

   It's about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.

   Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing a role in society.

   The way that people always talk how they wouldn't do it has convinced me that there is a lot of touching things with ten foot poles that we don't know about.

   The media praised Oprah for being humble when compared to other celebrities because she has no "selfies" on Twitter. Apparently the Media has yet to notice that the cover model for "O Magazine" is always the same darn person.

   Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from Social Media.

   There's something incredibly beautiful about a woman that doesn't realize she's incredibly beautiful.

   My guilty pleasure is feeling guilty over any pleasure I have.

   I stepped right out in front of a smart car just now. I wasn't scared. A collision with my ass would destroy that thing.

   Clean your rooms kids or I'll wear yoga pants when your friends come over. And yes thats a threat.

   Hey Jesus...instead of taking the wheel how about paying for gas every now and then.

   Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?

   My wife just asked me if I have a girlfriend and I was like, "God, that's soooo two days ago."

   A proponent of tolerance should be bullied, harassed and stalked for a hundred times to make them see the light and get a clear understanding of tolerance.

   Remember safety first.... Reach, Throw, Row, Go......Only you can rescue someone who may have stepped off into a pothole!

   Nothing turns a close knit family into a bunch of cage fighters like the question of "Who wants to lick the spoon of cake batter?"... 

   I would watch the movie Lovelace .......but I know it would suck

   Stop saying you have lake front property, that's a freakin' ponding basin.

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....

   Through all the turmoil, tears and tribulations, she has definitely made me a better man. Bitter man, sorry.