Funny Status Messages
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If you ever jammed to Unskinny Bop, you really can't complain about todays music... 
I don't know if this makes me a homophobe or not, but from a guy's perspective, I much prefer the hole to be situated in front.
Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.
vacuuming my sheets, which is a fairly clear sign that I need to stop eating in bed.
Studies show that 36% of people rushed to the hospital die on their way. Such a coincidence seeing that 36% of ambulance drivers are women.
Do you ever wake up and just say "nope" and then roll over and go back to sleep
If your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.
When girls get mad, they cry to their friends. We go cuss people out on Xbox.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take f*cking notes.
Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.
When the check comes, men reach for their wallets, women reach for their calculator.
So this blind man walks into a bar,,,,,,,, and a chair,, and a table.
Fingers crossed this is the year I'll finally wear a scarf correctly!
My nephew clogged the toilet and "forgot" to tell someone. His name is Hunter & he blew out a septic system
Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation. Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
Not sure what this might mean, but you can re-arrange the letters in Happy New Year to spell Wary Ye Happen.
brought home warm beer.. put one on the back porch.. 3 minutes a side.. came out perfect
After Colorado legalized marijuana, Peyton Manning bought 20 Papa John's stores in Colorado. If this football thing doesn't work out, I say he's got a bright future in finance
Why do my son's socks cost more than my pants?
i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, you collect it” so I wrote to the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods” 