Funny Status Messages

   Wine her, dine her, sixty-nine her.

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   I came, I saw, I screamed "How the hell do I get out of here?"

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   I will fake love and take full advantage of you .

   Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.

   It's sofa king cold today!!

   there's a method to my madness.. just a madman with no method..

   You can judge me, but you can't change me.

   The thermometer on my cars says, "FU_____CK YOU!"

   My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!

   She likes it when you call/text her, but, not too much and not too little. And, she won't tell you how much or little and it changes constantly. Good luck!!

   Just because I own a few acres of land, I'm always getting calls from timber companies. I wish others were this interested in my wood.

   Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.

   Whenever I think of you, I touch myself. That is, I rub my forehead because you give me a f**king migraine.

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body....

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   This Polar Vortex sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

   I'm single by choice...Not my choice, but it's still a choice.

   Some people's Twitter and Facebook updates are like a china shop filled with wrestlers battling over all its contents; you can find nothing worthwhile to read yet. Please learn something before updating and making fun of yourself.