Funny Status Messages
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Pro Tip: If a girl asks you about your plans, there's a good chance she wants to be apart of them. 
You seem unstable, wanna get an apartment together?
Still waiting for this movie sequence where the guy running for his girl at a moving train slips off and dies under the train.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.
Internet Explorer says I must have cookies turned on. I've licked them seductively - what more can I do?
Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals? I want a scary movie in Walmart. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 13. BUT SIR... THERE IS NO AISLE 13. Dramatic music..
Sears is no longer a store, it's a place to question the purpose and fate of life on earth
Rock bottom hangover: I ordered pizza just to get soda delivered
'Tis the season in Chicagoland where there is a fine line between illegal lane usage and dodging pot holes.
just opened a store next to 'Forever 21', called 'Finally 22'
nice try auto flush toilet, but there's more where that came from..
People who say they are "comfortable in their own skin," scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin
When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
If you advertise your presumably better tv on my old tv and I indeed see how quality your tv is, doesn't that mean my tv is just as good?
If you have feelings for me,,, thats your problem not mine,
Wanna feel old? In about 6years it will be the roaring 20s again
For future reference, farmers get super pissed if you sneak onto their property & chase their livestock with a Taser. It’s been a good day.
did anyone else besides me use a brown marker to draw nipples on the neighborhood girls Barbies when they were kids?
I really like what you've done with your crazy. 