Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gas prices are so high the Mailman is now working from home. He called me and read my bills to me over the phone.

   Kurt Vonnegut's, Harrison Bergeron, is basically the screenplay for Idiocracy

   Broken guitar for sale, no strings attached.

   Vomits after drinking 10 mimosas, hope I’m not pregnant.

   Have Snoop and Martha ever like…. almost?

   Watching the fork fireworks in the microwave.

   At McDonald’s ordering the little freak meal.

   We used to pay for ringtones, but now if your phone makes any noise, you’re 100 years old.

   We never had a baby formula shortage until men started getting pregnant.

   Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.

   Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted.

   Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

   It's a good thing we still have 26 million acres of leases that haven't been tapped yet.

   I might not be the dumbest guy in the world... (well, as long as he stays alive.)

   Don’t take your kids to Disney World this summer, they don’t deserve your money or your support.

   Gas prices hit a new record high and Biden cancelled lease sales for oil and gas on more than a million acres on the same day.

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Founding Fathers: Here’s the First Amendment. Oh, and in case someone tries to take that away, here’s the Second Amendment.

   Coffee: More than four cups and you can talk to electricity.

   When your girl takes her top off, but the antidepressants have killed your sex drive. Boobies, yes, I remember.