Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?

   Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.

   My boss insists I need to start using my head, so I wore a cap to work today.

   I lost my job at the emergency hotline because I kept answering “share the joke” when people called and said “I’m dying here”

   I think when you said: You ruined EVERYTHING! You were wrong, because this beer is still delicious.

   A Facebook s tatus update so confusing you turn your radio down to read it.

   They say money can't buy you happiness, but I've got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.

   Forget Klondike, you should see what people do for open bar!

   I just saw a Middle-Eastern guy vigorously shaking out a carpet off a 3rd floor balcony in my condo building. I yelled out, "WHAT UP, AKBAR? IT WON'T START?"

   Only if women knew how special it makes a man feel when you wake him up in the middle of the night to give you some coz you are feeling horny.

   Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault of a limo driver! He commits a criminal assault every time he sings.

   Some people are better kept only as Facebook friends and never to be interacted with in real life.

   It's amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.

   My girlfriend wanted a Cinderella-themed birthday party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my place!

   Nothing like choking someone with love to make them run away from you.

   Who is Valentine's? And why is my girlfriend talking about him a lot lately?

   I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

   Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

   This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.

   Anytime I meet a Realtor, I drop my pants and ask her if this is a lot??