Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   If you log into Australian Instagram you can see the bottom half of your sunset photos.

   Why would vodka do this to me? I’ve always been so loyal

   My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign

   If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   the fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.

   Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

   God did NOT create man! Man CREATED God! #TRUTH

   Jesus is the adult version of Santa Claus. #TRUTH

   My EX GF asked me if we could talk about my internet addiction problem. I told her... "Not right now baby I am downloading P0RN!"

   JESUS OWES ME MONEY... for the drugs he failed to deliver.

   If I used to flirt with you everyday and then I suddenly stopped, don't stress. Its not because I no longer find you hot and attractive. It's probably because I received a death threat from your husband.

   Can you and Jesus do us all a favour and go find a room.

   I LOVE THE DARK SIDE. They have cookies.

   I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".

   When I was born God gave me two choices, I could either be good in bed or have a great memory..Sh !t I forgot what I was going to tell you.

   I LOVE JESUS!

   Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.

   I wont be alone on valentines day....I'll be spending it with 127.0.0.1