Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog crap instead of walking around it.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.

   I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid to live on my knees ruled by lesser men who control the destiny of our children.

   When you’re on your third “damn, that’s crazy” and they keep talking.

   “Goats are like ducks, if you shoot a duck, I’m scared of toasters, c’mon man.” ~ Joe Biden

   Triggered! Go dip your head in some radical raspberry Kool aid and have a cookie. Oh, and logout… your mum will be home soon.

   If you die and get cremated you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

   I see…. and is "Hunter Bidens Laptop” in the room with us right now? now show us on the doll where the laptop touched you?

   You: Be noble, for you are made from the stars. Be humble, for you are made from the earth. Me: Where do you get your weed?

   You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?

   I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.

   If your ideology makes you hide your face with a mask, then you are a coward.

   That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.

   Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.

   The View: Vicious, Insane, Egotistical, Woman.

   Her: My throat hurts doc. Doctor: I bet your knees hurt too.

   I’m sorry for the things my face said while you were talking.

   Land-o-lakes ~ they got rid of the Indian and kept the land.

   I fully intend to haunt people when I die. I have a list.

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip Cookies are the reason I have trust issues.