Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So would the ACLU defend me if I protested and burned down ACLU headquarters?

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts I'm grabbing a big hammer and running straight to the graveyard to play the most awesome game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   You're getting a cow? Maybe you mean a Muu Muu.

   I don't need pants that fit at the waist anymore. I'm getting a Moo Moo.

   The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.

   Its 2014, I shouldnt have to rip open my tampon wrapper with my teeth.

   I like pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

   Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.

   It's throw back Thursday (chugs a beer).

   The difference between what you say and who you are is what you do.

   Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but,, I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

   Starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial.

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?

   If you love something, set it free... If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.

   Coffee so black the police plant evidence on it.

   Hotel showers have 2 settings. It's either "gently peeing on you" or "DEAR GOD, THIS IS GOING TO RIP MY NIPPLES OFF!"

   I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.

   Not only am I a master of suspense but I

   One day, you'll be just a memory for some people,so do your best to be a good one.

   Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once