Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get... You're already hard to want.

   Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper.

   Hey McDonald's, here's an add to fire back at Taco Bell: Eat at McDonald's, you won't sh.. your pants. -your welcome.

   Bumped and grinded last night.....my head on bed post and my teeth

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?

   Facebook got 2 billion to burn even though the site is 90% candy crush requests & fake news that tricked your grandma.

   Envy = inferiority

   Shout out to all my peeps and be glad I am not drinking or I would be drunk calling you right now @2:13AM. . .. . .

   If you're in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and you put your head lights on does it act as breaks and slow you down. . .

   A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

   I can't find my phone,,, I must be on Malaysia Airplain mode

   If police are gonna profile,,, they gonna look for a spade dressed like a gangsta

   I'm sure that I'm not alone in this. My whole life Frosted Flakes has been my favorite cereal. I keep it in my freezer as the cereal says Frosted.

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?

   Find a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross

   Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep. Friday night here I come

   So when is the next heterosexual parade so we can brag about how heterosexual we are? Asking for a friend....

   Who need's a spouse when you have the Facebook?

   Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix