Funny Status Messages
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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 
I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.
A secret handshake will get you into the "Beyond" section of Bed Bath & Beyond. Includes videogames, beer & lightsabers. Ask for Steve.
How come we pay guys millions a year to toss a ball around, then when our teachers ask for a raise, we say they already make enough
When you have a side chick is that a mutual agreement? kind of like a mutual agreement between a boyfriend n a girlfriend? she agreed to just be the side chick or do she just not know she is? how does this work? asking for a friend....
This bar doesn't know it yet, but it's about to be karaoke night.
Why is our society failing?.. Because the slow gazelle doesn't get eaten anymore.. *see kiddie soccer.
Hey .... I just realized that kangaroos are just little T-Rex deers ...
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM should say "Congratulations for making it this far... but, why the fck are you driving?"
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
People that think they know you better than you know yourself, is the reason why throat punching was invented
You'll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
Don't fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
iPhone covers are like condoms. You don't want to, but you kind of have to...
I'm not antisocial. I'm pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!.....................................................oh sorry, I was just repeating what I heard last night.
LIFE HACK: Living out of your car isn't so bad if you keep telling yourself you're "on tour"
Click "Like" if you agree that I don't need your validation
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o' mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
When in a relationship, a real man doesn't make his woman jealous of others, he makes others jealous of his woman 