Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.

   They had a distribution plan for crack pipes, but not for baby formula.

   Woman have so much evil in their blood that God drains it once a month.

   Your nudes won’t impress me…. Change my mind.

   When everyone leaves the house and you’re finally alone. “Bravo six, going dark.”

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   Facebook reaction emoji’s look a lot like a relationship from start to finish. Like, Love, Ha-Ha, Wow, Crying, Angry.

   Things I have in common with a raccoon: Dark circles around the eyes, eats junk, cute, a little chubby, up all night / sleeps all day, will fight you, possibly rabid.

   Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.

   I went and inputted all my medical symptoms in on WEB MD. And it turns out I have Gary Busey .

   If universal background checks and red flag laws create an insurmountable barrier to you owning a firearm, then you are the person we are worried about

   The phrase "I've got gas", used to be met with disgust. Nowadays, it's met with envy.

   I was married for so long I almost forgot how to pick up fat chicks, then I remembered. It's a peice of cake!

   Anyone else find it funny that all these "Why does the military only get one day" people only say it during june? Never during any of the other 11 months

   If they could only do as much for the veterans that they do the gays I would be impressed, but only then.

   It's pretty bad when you have to have HIV testing at your parade. What type of pride is that?

   Do deaf schizophrenics still hear voices in their heads?

   I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle, so today I parked and went inside to get donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

   Crushed feelings emergency kit: Contains one tiny violin, one stick remover (also works for corn cobs), one box of tissues, one pacifier, cookies & milk, how to scroll past things you don’t like instruction tutorial, and a sense of humor.