Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

   if a tow truck hauls an RV, does that make the tow guy a "home-wrecker"?

   Let's play: "Put my you-know-what, in your you-know-where."

   I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

   That'll do girls obsessed with horses. That'll do.

   When one door closes…I am like, "Dammit! I locked my f cuking keys inside"

   Lies I'll never stop telling my boss: No you're not bothering me Yes I'll meet the deadline Facebook? Never heard of it!

   There's a HUGE difference between sarcastic and sardonic. I'd call you intellectually challenged but I'm fresh out of euphemisms.

   Don't hate me because I'm single. Hate me because you are married.

   RESEARCH: Tin foil hat club. Too much time on hands club. Lives in parents basement club.

   RESEARCH: Bilderberg, Bohemian Grove, Club of Rome, Committee of 300, Skull and Bones Society, HAARP, Chemtrails, Project Bluebeam, Georgia Guidestones

   It's a little difficult to fully immerse yourself in a band called "I hate myself" when hmv is blasting pharrels "happy" over the sound system.

   We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away

   *Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*

   Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.