Zinc Funny Status Messages

   Already rolling my eyes in preparation for the 4/20 snap chats I get on Easter.

   I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note. "Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us."

   Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.

   Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   The only real model we have for a trump presidency is the movie "first kid"

   AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.

   life is short…smile while you still have teeth

   I can cope with voices in my head but it is the voices outside my head that are going to drive me crazy.

   People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?

   I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.

   Nice try, St. Patrick’s Day, but I don’t need a reason to drink.

   Lacrosse is my favorite sport that combines looking like you're trying to catch a butterfly with having no friends @JhonRules

   "You want proof that baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?" ~Jim Bouton

   Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon

   Just found a new app that tells you which of your friends are family are racist, it is called facebook.

   Not sure why Amtraks slogan is not "Travel with your drugs, we won't check""

   I always lick my lips when I see kids in public places because they need to realize their are bad people in this world

   I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen

   Last year I asked santa for the sexiest person ever and I woke up in a box