Lil-David Funny Status Messages

   I wish minimum wage went up as much as the price of postage stamps...

   I. really hate when Grandma gets me underwear for Christmas-they are always. " I Won't Get Caught Dead In Whitey-Tightys!"

   On Christmas my brothers and sisters come over with all their ADHD kids, they all really love my Amphetamine Apple Pie!

   I think premature male baldness should be the next race card..

   The way my kids freak out on Christmas morning, that's the way I feel right before I open my breakfast beer!

   I forget my password so often I made it incorrect that way when I'm wrong the computer reminds me...

   The Duck Dynasty guys need to to look in their beards, I'm sure there's a few ducks in them...

   In a couple year I'm going to be one of those senior citizens that bites and urinates on people, I already do one of them....

   The quickest way to a woman's heart, is through her rib cage.

   I post political status on Facebook just to watch my friends battle each other like it's The Crips Vs Bloods...

   I was in the middle of a selfie and my mother walked in, now all she can say is "don't worry son everyone's doing that."

   If websites had closing hours divorces, murder and pregnancy would double.

   My mom said were going on vacation somewhere in South Africa, she called it "Kanye West"

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"

   Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!

   I have a cell phone a Ipad a laptop, stop sending me reminders to turn my clocks back...it's called automatic updates!

   I taught my neighbors kid how to trick or treat online, hopefully she puts her mothers credit card back!

   Tomorrow I'm going to the homeless shelter and getting me some 2013 St Louis Cardinals World Series Champions shirts for free..

   Obama needs my dope mans friend, brothers little cousin help to fix his Obamacare site, he's pretty f__king good, if you get him high...

   Today Facebook was down, so I had to actually talk to my people that didn't live in my computer... I haven't done that in a few years, hope I don't get sick!